Must be Christmas....

There are cookies and "haystacks" and bags of sugary popcorn and tubs of chex mix and my hand is constantly reaching for something then going straight to my mouth. Christmas must be close by.
My house looks like a jungle of bright red, pink, white and green....a poinsetta wilderness; Christmas has got to be near.
The space in our closet is filled with wrapping paper and very poorly hidden gifts and I can't walk through our bedroom without stumbling over something shiny. Yep, it is almost here.
There is a cabbage in the frig and chicken wings waiting for sauce and a fifty five gallon drum of sour cream in the drive way...Christmas eve is two days away.....
There are more cars in the driveway and packages on the porch.....
There are last minute desperate dashs to the store.....
All Christmas music radio is beginning to sound a lot like.....well.....
It is almost here! That silent, holy night when everything is ready, it is too late for one more thing to get done, and we finally rest and smile at Jesus.

My wish for all of you is this: Wonderful times with your familes, safe travel if you are on the roads, special moments alone with God, a gift you give that is loved by the receiver, a gift you receive that is very special and through it all the ability to love, forgive and be blessed. Merry Christmas!

Snow is nice for Christmas but....

I like snow for Christmas, but I have to admit that I also really like 60 degree weather this time of year. The last few days I have been able to run without putting on all the extra weather gear and it just feels better. Usually I run around our neighborhood but since the weather has been so nice I have run on a paved trail that was once a couple of railroad lines that the city converted into a walking/running/biking trail that will take you just about every direction you would want to go. Some places it follows a little creek, in other places it weaves through town and heading north from downtown it ends up out in the prairie in the middle of cornfields. I run acoustically, "unplugged". I do not want to carry a little box of music with me. Part of the joy for me is to hear nature while I see it....the wind blowing as the sun sets, a hawk screeching, doves calling, a dog barking somewhere.
It always seems like I can run easier when I am not dodging cars and avoiding people on the sidewalk and turning it into a "work-out". When I can just get lost in my surroundings my feet seem to barely hit the pavement and before I know it the miles slide by. It really is a joy. So today I am thankful for nice trails and nice days in December and good shoes.

Are You Ready for Christmas?

Christmas is almost here and the question is usually "Are you ready for Christmas?" In other words, have we got our shopping done, presents wrapped, tree up, food cooked, cards sent, plans made and parties scheduled? All really wonderful things that make this time special.

I love Christmas.I love presents, both getting and giving them. I love lights on houses, especially against the snow. It makes me feel like a kid. I love eating Christmas stuff. I love being around family and having days off. I like getting up early and making coffee on Christmas morning. I like the glimmer of hope Christmas and a new year brings.

Are you ready for Christmas? Looking at Jesus and his birth and what that means to me I would have to say yes....yes I am. His birth means forgiveness. It means reconciliation. It is a gift of life and Spirit and hope and belief and the value of every human birth. Jesus was born for one great purpose: To bring us to God and God to us.

I am so pitiful in my sin and weakness that it takes a child to save me. Before he could die as a man on a wooden cross for my sin he had to be born in a wooden manger. The innocent child looking up at the face of his Mother is the innocent man who would look down from the cross into those same eyes thirty three years later.

If Christmas means forgiveness and salvation I am ready for it. I am ready in March, in July in September....

Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which is my sin though it were done before?
Wilt thou forgive those sins through which I run,
And do them still, though still I do deplore?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt thou forgive that sin by which I won
Others to sin? and made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallowed in a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
Swear by thyself that at my death thy sun
Shall shine as it shines now, and heretofore;
And having done that, thou hast done.
I have no more.

A Hymn to God the Father- John Donne.

Gray or Grey?

I want to go running but I am waiting for the sun to return from wherever it went sometime last month, or was it September? The forecast said partly cloudy today which is supposed to mean also partly sunny, but so far.... Anyway, running in this grayness isn't very inspiring, which makes it harder to motivate myself to put on the shoes and go.

Did you know "gray" is also spelled "grey," if you are British?

I am not British, so I will spell it gray. There are other words that I could use to describe this muck but I am tired of hearing myself whine about it...so I will try a little poetry...

Today is gray
like yesterday
and the day
(dare I say)
before that day
not a ray
came out to play
and so I pray
Grey, gray
please go away
and stay out of my hair, too.

I need to work on the ending.

Class Reunion

It was like being in a time machine. This past weekend I went to my thirty year high school class reunion. About 15 of my classmates showed up, which was just about half of my class. We were the class of 1976, a bunch of farm kids that knew very little about life beyond the Ozark hills. Most of the kids I graduated with I also started first grade with. After being with them for twelve years little did I know that moving the tassle truly would mean moving on. Except for my best friend that I went to college with, I never saw any of them again until last Saturday night. Five of us went to college, a few of us moved away and the rest stayed closed to home. Most quit raising hell and started raising kids.

It was very strange to talk about retirement with an old friend when the last conversation I had had with him was about what his plans were now that high school was finally over.

One friend had died of cancer. One had lost his wife in an accident at home. Two had fried their brains on drugs. The wildest and most rebellious girl in class now worked for the Secret Service. The class nerd had his own computer company (duh!) and the one who loved his pickup now loved his big rig. My best friend is a Psycholigist (I would like to take credit for getting him started) and I still haven't quite figured out what I am. No, I know what I am I am just not sure about what I do most days.

I wasn't prepared for my fourth grade girlfriend to show me pictures of her grandkids.

We ended up at Applebees, watching the Cards win game one and telling old stories of what excellent, peaceable students we had all been. We asked about the ones who didn't come and why they probably didn't. I was reminded of how poor most of us were, some of the kids in my class actually lived in homes with dirt floors and it was great to hear that they had managed to do well despite the odds. And it was also good to be together and not care at all about the former distinctions that in high school seemed so important. Time washes us like a stream, cleansing us while muddying us at the same time.

I drove home around midnight on an old familiar road. It was rainy and my headlights caused the fall foilage to gleam red and yellow like a blur of neon. A nice buck crossed the road ahead, clearing the fence with that wonderful, effortless grace that always amazes me. I put in the Eagles and cranked up "Take it Easy" and then "Take it to the Limit". I realized that somewhere between the two we, the class of '76, had found our way.

Heavenlies....

We are blessed in Christ in the "Heavenlies". We are seated with Christ in the Heavenlies....Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the "heavenlies". (Your translation might say heavenly realms or places). Paul ends Ephesians the way he starts...in these heavenlies. The place of our struggle is the place of our blessings and safety.

I feel so earthbound. Gravity pulls me down and keeps my face in the dirt. In Ephesians Paul keeps trying to tell me who I am in Christ and where I am in Christ but I most often choose to live like a hunchback with my nose two inches off the ground.

One day Ephesians 4:4-7 will be what I fully believe and the lies will no longer worm their way through my thinking. That is my hope...."His great love with which he loved us."

Can it really be true?

Disconnected Ramblings on Stuff

The Cardinals are in and they have won the first game against the Padres. So, I think they will win because a Cardinal always beats a Padre.

Leaves are changing and the weather here has multiple personalities. I went running this afternoon and it was almost 90 degrees. By the time I finished it was only 60 degrees. That really doesn't tell you anything except that I am possibly a very slow runner or a very fast runner that headed straight north.

I like to hunt deer and turkey. I have hunted since I was old enough to follow my Dad around in the woods and scare everything away by fidgeting unceasingly. I used to bow hunt but haven't regained enough flexibility or strength in my shoulder since surgery to start again. There is one of the biggest bucks I have ever seen less than a half a mile from my house. I see him all the time when I take my Son to soccer practice or go to Wal-Mart. He lives in town and likes to lay in the grass strip between the bean fields and hedgerows and watch the cars go by. It is ironic really that I have walked hundreds of miles through brush and woods and froze my whitetail off on many a frosty morning sitting in a tree stand and now this monster buck lives in my neighborhood. I wonder if he works at State Farm?

I am studying Ephesians. It is incredible. I don't understand the first chapter. What I do get out of it is sometimes hard to believe or grasp. It doesn't help that the first chapter is basically one long rambling sentence. Paul literally got carried away, but the concepts are incredible. I have never been good at "planning" good gifts....but every gift we get from God is meticulously planned out from before the foundation of the world. What kind of love goes into that kind of detail? SIT DOWN AND READ THE WHOLE LETTER IN ONE SETTING SOME TIME. I want you to be encouraged by it, as I have been this week. Underline every time you see the phrase "heavenly places". Tell me what you think about that and what it means for us in the here and now.

I just realized that Project Runway is on. Think I will pick up that hunting bow after all.

Out at Home

I am trying to tell myself it doesn’t matter. After leading the National League Central Division for most of the season the Cardinals have lost six in a row and are losing in the bottom of the ninth tonight against San Diego. They began the last week of the season up by 6 games and in Cubesque (?) fashion are about to lose 7 in a row while the Astros, a tiny dot in the rear view mirror just days ago have won the last 7 games and have pulled almost even with us.

I think they need my help. I am going to call Pujols or Edmonds or Rolen or anyone who will pick up the phone and offer them some advice and encouragement. Maybe tell them that I am praying for them and stuff. I might send them the Purpose Driven Line Drive or Wild Pitch at Heart or some other motivational book to remind them that we were all created to play baseball and we only find our true selves when we finally slide safely into home. Sure, there are some out there that claim football is the true religion but the faithful know better. After all, football is violent and dangerous and baseball is unfathomable and mysterious…just ask the Cubs. Besides, Genesis 1:1 starts with God creating the world in “the big inning” and the rest is all statistics. So, what is needed here is for the Cardinals to simply return to the “old base paths” and get rid of those free agents of change and start playing Brock and Gibson and Musial again and maybe even find Ozzie out there. That’s when Cardinal baseball was winning the nation.

Well, they lost again, why isn’t Larussa answering his cell phone?

Talking with a Grape Man.

The view was pretty good really. I was sitting on the deck of a client’s house overlooking what is known here as the Mackinaw river valley. We were talking business but I was distracted, not just by the miles and miles of corn and bean fields that lay before me but by the pungent, sweet smell of freshly pressed grape juice that filled the vat directly below me. I was at a vineyard and winery and at that moment financial planning felt trivial compared to looking at rows of grapevines with all their eternal implications. I just kept seeing Jesus walking among those vines with a glass of wine in his hand, laughing and saying: “Come down here and let me teach you some things about vines and grapes that will make your head spin more than anything they got bottled in there!”

Eventually, we got past the work part and I began asking our gracious host some questions about growing grapes. Here is some of what I learned….

The juice from every variety of grape is always clear. It gets color from how long the juice is in contact with the skins of the grape while fermenting. Wine that has a blush color like a Rose’ means that the juice had contact with the skins for a short time. The dark red wines means the skins of the grapes were with the juice for a long time.

Grapes are still picked by hand, cut off the vine using scissors or a knife and it takes a lot of work to get a vat full. Cutting your fingers is expected.

Birds like grapes too, especially the smaller varieties-of grapes not birds. Some vines are covered to be protected against the birds.

If you would like to have a vineyard in the future you should plant it now.

Grapes do better under stress, like drought.

Wine isn’t instant.

Vines must be pruned after every season. Radically pruned. Cut back to where they look like dead sticks, with just a little bit remaining. Grapes only come from new growth. In other words, you can have a beautiful looking vineyard, with rows of thick vines and leaves and not have fruit, because grapes only come from fresh, new growth!

A few acres of grapes can make a lot of wine.

Wine tasting can be very fun.

You have to love grapes and vines a lot to do the amount of work it takes to have a vineyard.

If you need to see a real miracle to help your faith right now, go look at a cluster of grapes, preferably at a vineyard and not a supermarket.

Jesus can teach more about real security holding a vine in his hand than all the financial planners in the world put together.

If you are reading this, I am glad and I hope it has made you want to read John 15.

My Brother.

Summer has shrunk down to a few days left before its unofficial close, Labor Day. I have been trying to figure out how to do my job so my thoughts have been very much off blogging. If I had the time or motivation I would have dedicated a few lines to my tomatoes. We put in a few plants and cared for them and have been blessed abundantly by the results. How does black dirt, green plants, blue skies and clear water result in a bright red object that God in his mysterious wisdom would foreknow and elect to be the perfect compliment to toast, lettuce, mayo and slices of salty bacon that thank goodness the Apostles under inspiration would declare no longer to be considered unclean? And, yes I have been exposed to way to much Calvinism lately.
I do want to write a little bit about my brother, since he turned fifty last week on August 23. Some of you who know me might be shocked to even know I have a brother, since I rarely mention him or even think of him. He lives in California. Some who have seen him say he looks like me, which always disturbs me since he is completely, severely, mentally and physically retarded. He has never known us, spoken one intellegible word to us, or communicated to anyone in any way. He is mostly blind, has cerebal palsy, has twisted and useless limbs and spends his days either in bed or a wheelchair. He is totally dependent on medical care and technology. If the people didn't show up for work one day in the home where he lives he would not survive. He was not expected to live to be a teenager and now he has gray whiskers.

I saw him two years ago. I went with my sister who lives out there and goes to see him about once a month and always cries. She is my oldest sister and remembers him being born and coming home and the quietness and sadness. She remembers my Mom trying to care for him but he began to cry and never stopped. My folks tried for two years to manage but his needs grew as he did. Then, he left and I came along, an ill-advised replacement and answer to prayer.

I spent some time with him. I really looked at him and touched him, because for the first time in my life I wasn't afraid of him. I looked at where his skull had been crushed by the Doctor who had lingered over a few too many martini's before he responded to the call that one of his patients was in labor. He didn't know Danny's umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck either I guess. That might explain why he wouldn't come out.

I wheeled his chair out to the aviary so he could listen to the birds and feel the southern California sun on his face. Initially disturbed, his frantic arms settled over his face and he ground his teeth and maybe smiled. He did seem to grow calm and actually enjoy the sounds. My sister said he likes it there so she brings him out there and talks to him. I wonder about their conversations, what she has said to him over the years. She has been a wonderful big sister.

I talked to him too. I think he is alot like Jesus. He is sinless, but he bears all the evidence of sin. He is innocent, but he suffers because sin entered the world and somwhere down the line bit him too. He is completely dependent....like Jesus was on the Father. He loves simple things, like birds and sunshine and the soothing tones of his family. He does not deserve to live his days like he does, but he never complains. And he is like "one from whom men hide their face." And like Jesus, he will have a glorified body that will run for the first time in fields of heavenly splendor.

I do look like him, much of the time. My twisted, gnarled uncontrollable manners are well hidden though. What if God really doesn't distinquish between the outside and the inside? What if how we really look to him is how the inside really looks? Most of the time Danny would look alot better than me. What the ravages of sin have laid on him in a visible way are merely hidden in me by deceptive techniques well honed by practice along the way.

So I want to be more like him, my big brother. The one I thought I never had, at least in some meaningful way. I am not sure why he is here. I don't understand tomatoes. I don't understand vegetables, human or otherwise. I don't really understand Calvinism. I can explain it but still don't get it. But I know God is soveriegn, eternal and full of grace and love. My brother Danny told me.

A River Runs Through Me....

Most of my family left for the Ozarks today, leaving me and my Son, Carden at home feeling sorry for ourselves because we have to work. They are going down to meet relatives and float the Niangua River. I miss being with them, but I am glad they are getting to go.

I miss the river. I miss it's smell, it's colors, it's movement, it's peace. I want to lay on my back in a canoe and watch the tops of sycamore trees glide by as I drift downstream. I want the cold, spring water to steal my breath. I want to jump off a bluff. I want to play tag with a craw-daddy. I want to look at herons and hawks. I want a snake to jump start my heart. I want to find the perfect flat rock and make it tap dance across the water. I want to be born again. I miss the river.

Someone wise said: You never step in the same river twice. That is true. That can be good or bad I guess, depending on where you are in life. Life, like a river, keeps on going. It is easier to go with the current than constantly fight it, that is for sure. Maybe that is why God made rivers, to teach us something about Himself and what it means to live in the flow of His Spirit.

So, I am missing the river tonight, but in my heart I am in it, drifting along with the current, following the warm light of the moon reflecting off the dark water. I wonder if it is missing me?

Things I Still See When I Close My Eyes

Things I still see when I close my eyes:

Cascading streams of reds and purples falling to dark green fields and
skinny legs running from flashing strobes and
a wagon full of alfalfa rolling to the barn and
sweat dripping on my shoes and
stupid grins and open hymnals and
tears dripping on I Corinthians 13 and
a wiser young preacher trembling out the words and
baptized ribs smoking over charcoal and
dirty plates stained with blackberry juice and
faces fresh and smooth and
faces wearing days and
eyes full of good byes and
a road that leads to home and
another holy day gone through us.

Empathy, For a Moment

Last night, watching Edmonds overrunning third base and getting tagged out, seeing a routine fly ball missed in the outfield, watching an outfielder throw the ball to the wrong base, seeing a lead dwindle away and saying to myself, "Here we go again," I suddenly realized, so this is what it feels like to be a Cubs fan!

Finally, I understood.

I am glad it didn't last.

What do you think?

"Let the wicked forsake their way, and the unrighteous their thoughts;
let them return to the Lord, that he may have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon." -Isaiah 55:7

Where do thoughts come from? I am always amazed by the way the brain works (or sometimes doesn't work). How does something suddenly pop in our head-a memory of something, an idea, or a sudden decision or insight? Where does that impulse come from? Is it just an electrical surge from the chemicals of our brain? A thought...something we ponder, a flash of a past event, a grief, a happiness, a hope, a funny stream of words in our brain that makes our body reacte in laughter.....? How does that happen? And are all our thoughts, the thousands that come in our brain every day, all ours? Do thoughts come from somewhere outside ourselves?
I do know that our thoughts can lead us astray, but how? I do know we can think right things or wrong things. And I know we can choose to some degree what we think about, otherwise we could never "repent," literally "change our mind." Isaiah goes on to say, speaking for the Lord: "My thoughts are not your thoughts...." that his thoughts are much, much higher than ours, higher than the heavens above the earth.
Yet Paul says we can have the mind of Christ...we can think like Jesus!
I am not sure about how all this happens, someone probably has thought it through and has a good theory....but how?
I am glad though, that my thoughts do not have to control me, that I can forsake them and think like Jesus.....some of the time. I can also think like the devil if I want to...or maybe they are his thoughts he is bombarding me with.
Sharing our thoughts can be good or bad also. Sometimes it is uplifting and encouraging and helpful and other times it can be just passing on the bad thoughts and infecting someone else.
What do you think?

Rider on the Storm

I was on the south end of town when the storm hit yesterday afternoon. It was small as far as storms go, I could see it's edges on both the north and south. But it packed a real punch of wind and hail and rain for a short time. I am always drawn out to storms instead of wanting to run from them. They just seem alive and awesome and full of sound and color and power. I can see why the prophets described God as riding on the storm. What kind of clouds do you think Jesus will return on? I see him surfing in on a wall cloud.....

Bel and Nebo

Bel bows down, Nebo stoops low;
their idols are borne by beasts of burden.
The images that are carried about are burdensome,
a burden for the weary.
They stoop and bow down together;
unable to rescue the burden,
they themselves go off into captivity.

Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:1-4

I should have asked more questions and been more honest in my religion. I didn't comprehend that true faith is the gift of God, conceived and delivered by him. How much time was spent carrying around the burden of my own fashioned gods. I worked hard to make him presentable and shiny, attractive to the masses so that I would be successful in ministry. And I remember the weariness of all that, trying to keep myself and others happy and interested, trying to create an experience of God that would bring them all back.
The real test is this: Am I being carried by God, or is he being carried by me?

"Come to me, all you who labor and are weary......"

shouts and whispers

"But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain.

Isaiah 1:5-6.

Questions

"....And here is the real problem: so much mercy, yet still there is hell."
C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain.

Getting Started! (Well almost).

I have finished my training for my new job as a financial Rep. I feel like I have been drinking from a fire hose for the past three weeks. There is so much to learn. Honestly, even though I had alot of business classes in college, I found most of it to be confusing and boring. This time though I am pretty fascinated by it all, and really wish I had paid more attention earlier.

This job will challenge me to be all the things that I am not normally good at it. I have to be very disciplined (yea I know, some of you are laughing already), organized and tuned in to the real world instead of LaLa land. I am thankful that not only do my mentor's know my weaknesses in these areas but they are committed to challenging me and providing solutions. There are so many things I have to change but I am committed to the process.

One thing I heard over the training period that really impacted me was when one of the instructors said: "You have to create an environment that won't allow you to fail." I have thought alot about that statement in view of my personal history and realize more than ever how essential that is. In the business world it involves creating excellent habits, surrounding yourself with people who are positive and challenging, not trying to do it alone but seeking advice when you need it, giving yourself totally to your work when you are there then closing the book on the day and giving yourself to your family and friends. Does any of this sound applicable to any other areas of our lives? I have prayed that God would help me to change my life and now I find myself in a situation where I must change to succeed and provide for my family. I failed God, my family and many good, loving people. I wasn't destined for failure, but I created the environment in which it could happen. With the help of God, family and friends I will be about the business of building life back on a rock foundation.

So why am I home blogging instead of working? I got sick last night and feel "mostly dead" all over today. Hopefully, whatever this is will soon run it's course and I can start Monday. I saw this phrase yesterday not knowing it would be useful today since all my plans were shot: "Turn Frustration into Fascination." So today, I will try to do what I can to learn something from this and take a step forward.

Moms and Stuff.

I am in my favorite local coffee shop this morning. It is Sunday, Mother's day. Colleen has gone with friends to St. Louis to enjoy a play, Brandon and Micah are both back from college, Carden had Prom last night and Shane was in Chicago for soccer yesterday. I am sure they are still sound asleep and it is nice to have them all back under one roof. Brandon will leave this week for an intership in Quincy, Illinois and Micah will be here this summer working for a veterinarian. I still can't believe I have two in college, much less one beginning his senior year. God blessed me with wonderful kids and I will never take that for granted again.
I have been training for a new job the past two weeks. Training has taken me out of town and I will be gone again for another week. It is a career change that I am very thankful to have the opportunity to do, and I feel great about the company. I believe what they stand for is excellent and how they do business is exceptional. I am surrounded by some wonderful people and I am being challenged on every level. I believe this career will help me become a better person and will be one in which I can still be involved in helping people. Some of you out there who will be reading this blog have already helped and encouraged me, and I am deeply grateful and thankful for your friendship.

There are times I feel very sad that this is a career change. It means the end of ministry as a vocation for me. It is ironic in a way, now that I feel so passionate about Jesus and his gospel on such a personal, heart level I feel more compelled to talk about him than ever before. I think I finally know him in a way that I never have before and I just feel so comfortable telling people about his grace. And I know that this is the way it is to be. I am thankful, after the last year to have a job and a family, that healing continues, that God still performs miracles and that his love reaches so far and deep and wide and that he will take care of all things in his way. Now I want to learn how to be a tentmaker and bless other people in the course of making a living. Most of you are way ahead of me here, so any advice is welcome.

Today is Mother's day. My Mom prayed that I would be a preacher, (is still praying for that!). I am thankful for her and her influence in my life, for the faith she shares with my Father. I still love walking out on their front porch and seeing them sitting there with their old King James Bibles open reading their daily Bible readings. We differ on a lot of issues but I honor their love for God and his Word. The first Scripture I memorized as a young boy was taught me by Mom, 2 Timothy 2:15, and it still comes to memory in the KJV.

My children have been blessed also with a wonderful Mother. Colleen has held our family together through all the storms and is still the one who always completely listens to everything that is going on in their lives. She is why we are a family today and has always sacrificed for her children. She has also taught them about following Jesus in real ways and real life instead of some of the mumbo-jumbo theoretical ways of her husband. They are good kids because of their Mom, and I love and appreciate her more than ever for that.

So to all you Moms out there who weary yourselves for the sake of your kids...who are way underpaid for doing the most important work on earth....who through your own pain deliver precious life to this world...Thank you.

Spring Rules

It is Spring on the prairie.
Up here that means you cover up the sunburn
you got on Saturday with a sweater on Sunday.
It means you stand in mud while
getting stoned with the smell of lilacs.
It means brilliant green grass and violets
accessorized with diamonds of frost.
It means birds, early birds,
and insanely early birds doing their version of hip-hop.
It means shadows of clouds and bursts of sun-
cold, hot, cold, hot-feminine and fickle and always surprising.
It means tacky, overdone and undisciplined,
an orgy of color that brashly yells "look at me!"
It means perfumed breezes combined
with the stench of rotting earthworm carcasses.
Spring is ridiculous, crazy, overdone and a tease
we can't live with or without.
It is glorious purple splashed against green,
born from autumn's hope and winter's labor.
It is birth, new and ancient, squeezed out of death and mess
like our baptisms are.
And like birth and the new birth, spring could care less
about our schedules, it arrives when it wants too.

I do believe

I believe that Jesus lived for us, died for us, rose for us and is alive right now for us. I believe it with all my heart, more than ever, and He is my only hope. I am alive because He is alive. He has never been anything but good towards me. I will celebrate His victory over death and suffering and sin and despair and failure and disease and lies and hate and resentment and greed and all darkness.
I will celebrate in grief for what it cost Him to redeem me and you. I will celebrate in joy because I know he conquered everything, there is nothing left to fear. I will laugh because His love is as full today as it was on the cross, as it was at creation, as it is in eternity.
Let's dance and sing and pray and cry and reach out our hands and hearts to all because nothing can alter what he finished.

Alternate Ending

So here is the alternate ending to the car story, since most of you have figured out by now that the first ending wasn't exactly how it happened. But sometimes it is hard to seperate reality from a glorious daydream.
After it became obvious to me that my car was beyond my abilities to heal, that it was still pouring down rain, that my son was very tired and embarassed about the quality time we were having together, I succumbed to the despairing truth and called a tow truck and had it towed to a garage. The next morning they called and said the starter had given it up and it would be several hundred dollars to repair. Since I have a really good relationship with the mechanic, (after all, I have put his kids through college) he asked me if I wanted to fix it or just sign the title over to him so that he could harvest the few remaining decent parts. Since I had no real choice and I knew he was having way to much fun at my expense, I told him to go ahead and put a starter in it. Then he said, "And oh, by the way, do you know someone put the wrong serpentine belt on it?"
There it was, the ancient serpentine belt, the slithering, insidious, unending rubber demon from the automobile version of Sheol that had reared its nasty head again. It seems that the parts store had sold me the wrong one to begin with and I had spent all the previous day installing it. I know there is irony in there somewhere, but I am not really looking for it.
So, I am back in the Taurus.....whose sign has something to do with a "Bull." Now I am finally understanding why.

Kum Ba Ya

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. Because of the rain I could not roof, so I decided to try and blog some. So I wrote some things yesterday morning and just as I was finishing it up blogger had technical difficulties and everything I had written was lost. Little did I know that it was an omen.

After a while it quit raining, so I decided to work on my car, since it had died in our son's high school parking lot. Once I checked it out I saw that the Serpentine belt had come off. Another omen, if the word serpentine pops up in your day, be very careful. Knowing that they do not just come off, I also found that the tension pulley had siezed up. So, after two trips to the Auto parts store, renting a special tool, losing that special tool somewhere in the engine compartment, finding it an hour later, trying to squeeze my arm into a hole an anorexic mouse couldn't get into and losing enough knuckle skin to replinish a burn center, along with three hours of bending over and trying to figure out what I was doing, I managed to fix the old car and save myself the half hour of labor costs that I would have paid a real mechanic to fix it. But, after months of futility in all my other endeavors, I had actualy accomplished something! I felt good!

I drove to the grocery store and came out to find that it was pouring down rain. I sat in my car and thanked God that he held the rain back long enough for me to fix my car. Then I turned the key and.....nothing. I tried several times, nothing. Just a few flickering dash lights signalling that I was a moron for owning this car. So, knowing that the battery was pretty old, I called my son, who fortunately drives a toyota, to come and get me and take me to get a battery. He was very happy to do that after school for his Father. By now I am soaked from changing the battery in the rain. And, also I am learning that people are not sure what to do for you when you are in a parking lot having car trouble. My experience is that some people, on dry, sunny days, will ask if they can help sometimes. But if you drive a ford, look like you have been working on it for hours already, and it is pouring down rain the chances of someone offering to jump your car is remote at best.

After putting in the new battery I turned the key and.....nothing! The dash lights flickered again, this time signalling the words "stupid moron." So, I took the battery out, put the old one in, returned the new one to the store, got my money back and returned to the grocery store parking lot where I went in, bought some hot dogs and lighter fluid, went out, "started" my car and warmed up and roasted wieners over the huge funeral pyre that used to be a Ford Taurus. Soon, an interesting thing happened. People began to gather, bringing tupperware dishes full of cole slaw, potato salad, baked beans, brownies. They all drove up in Fords, actually drove "in" to the raging fire and scurried out of their cars laughing hysterically as their car suddenly erupted in flames. We ate our soggy hot dogs and held hands and sang Kum Ba Ya, which means "Come By Here, Lord" and was written by desperate Ford owners who were always stranded by the side of the road, or in parking lots, waiting, just waiting for a miracle.

So that was my day, how was yours?

Happy 21st Birthday, Brandon!

Finally, the first shall be last! Today is Brandon's birthday, our firstborn. Our four kids all celebrate their birthdays usually within the Lenten period which also more or less encompasses March Madness. There is probably something significant about that but I have no clue as to what it is.
As I already mentioned, you were our introduction to parenthood. It really is a miracle that you have any siblings! But, after you, we figured it had to be easier. We certainly received a education from you, lessons that were applied to the raising of your sister and brothers. So, this birthday tribute is all about what I learned from my first born son.

First, tiny babies fake sleeping. You always had to cry before you could go to sleep at night, which I interpreted to mean that you were being strangled by a raccoon that somehow had got into your room or had your little head stuck between the crib rails or were starving to death or drowning in your own pee. So, after an eternity of 94 seconds I would go into your room and pat your bottom and you would lay your head down and after an eternity of 36 hours you would drift off to sleep. I would slow down the velocity and reduce the psi of the bottom patting until I could eventually stop. Then I would drop gently to my hands and knees so you couldn't see me, lay on the floor until I could hear a rhythm in your little breaths, then slowly crawl to the door, turn the knob ever so slowly and open it. And your head always popped up at the same point in this exercise in futility-right when I started to close the door! So I learned something valuable about helping babies go to sleep that I was able to apply to the others. Buy a bigger house and put the baby's room at the far end of the upstairs! You taught me that Bubba!

Second, Brandon, you taught me about finances, taxes, net worth and insurance. See, once you have a child you get to claim them as an exemption with the IRS because you no longer really own anything and what you think you own they quickly destroy, thus the term "tax break." But somehow, in the middle of the depreciation occurring to your belongings because they have been lost, stolen, buried, painted, sold, eaten or given to strange children on your street you learn to "appreciate" the little perpetual tornado that has done all the damage! Yes, you worry some when the excuses start to make sense, but again, you learn something very valuable.
That is, own nothing valuable! By the way, you still have some of my CD's and my shotgun.

Third, you proved that theory of Newton, or Einstein or Buffet to be true, the one about a body in motion stays in motion until it is wrapped tightly in duct tape. You took your first step at eight months. And then you ran, everywhere, all the time. You ran into a lot of things along the way of course. Sometimes I tried to warn you. Remember the time you were riding your bike around the pool dressed in your nicest church clothes? Remember what I said would happen if you didn't slow down? Remember how you told me that you were too good at riding your bike to end up in the bottom of the pool? Remember us being late for church that day?

Fourth, you taught us as parents that we should always probably listen to our kids, no matter how many times we have heard it before or how unbelievable the story is. In fact, with you, Brandon, we learned that the more crazy or wild the story the more probable it was true. For example that whole broken arm thing....Do you have any idea how many times a day you were either bleeding to death or unconscious for a short period or had dislocated some appendage? So when you told us you had broken your arm on the trampoline you can certainly understand our panic, the way we yawned and said "uh huh, okay, that's fine, Bubba, go on and play." And, later that day you were swimming pretty good anyway when that Orthopedic Doctor friend of ours noticed you and said something about your arm looking funny...See, from then on when our other children said they were hurt we listened carefully.


There are so many other lessons, too many to tell. It is only right that on your birthday, we should give you a big thank you for all we have learned! What success we have had as parents we owe to you! Of course, we also owe you for thousands of crazy smiles that always melted our hearts, hours of goofy laughter when we most needed it, adventurous schemes when life got a little predictable, comforting words of love in our darkest days, and an intense desire for God that challenges us. Most of all, in everything, we have always been able to look at you and be thankful and proud. You wore us out raising you, but it was a good tired. One we wouldn't trade for anything. And we know that what goes around comes around, so we look forward to payback with your firstborn!

So, Brandon, this ones for you! Happy 21st birthday! We really are amazed you made it. By the way, your Mom and I arranged it all along, after your first birthday, that somehow you should probably turn 21 on the Lord's day, at a conservative Christian college, in a dry county in the middle of Arkansas!

A Good Living

Work was always there. My parents had this philosophy that if you were sitting around you needed something to do and on a farm there is always something to do. My Dad is 80 and my Mom turns 77 today, and even at their age they are always busy. They still cut wood for the furnace, build fence, put in a huge garden every year, clear brush and timber and drive to church three times a week. Their pace is a little slower but just as steady. And it is not as easy as it used to be because they have a lost a few parts along the way. My Mom had breast cancer a few years back and my Dad has had two knee replacements, had a kidney removed two years ago, has only one eye, and is seriously thinking about pulling the rest of his teeth since they are annoying him. But they still work everyday. A little less urgently, a few more groans along the way, but still at it. Right now my Father has taken rough cut lumber from a cherry tree that grew on the farm and is making my daughter a hope chest. It will be a wonderful gift for her, as solid as he is.
So work was really the only option when I was growing up. I have been employed at something since I was thirteen, when I first hired myself out to a farmer who offered me ten dollars a day for, in his words, either "work or play." In 1973 that was alot of money for a kid. It soon became clear that there was no play involved. I arrived at work at 7 am and usually got home at 10 pm. The day was spent on a tractor, the evening hauling hay. But, at least I was getting paid and getting to drive all over the place, pretty cool when you are just 13 and barely over 5 feet tall. It was a good summer though, and I had a little jingle in my pocket when it was over, and survived a few close calls (you really can't push a volkswagon bug backward down a steep ozark hill, pop the clutch and get it to do a "wheely," what does happen is not good at all, neither for boy or machine).
I did learn that it was nice to get paid. Even the real nasty jobs were a little more tolerable when you got a paycheck. There seemed to be this simple formula:you work, you get paid. Later on I learned that some people work very little and get paid alot, or some people never have to work at all and have more than enough. I have never been smart enough to figure out how to get there.
Work is a blessing, to enjoy your work is an even greater blessing. I think that is why my folks are always busy. They enjoy picking up walnuts on sunny, crisp fall days, gathering blackberries on a high ridge where you can see for miles, and bringing in a full load of cut and split wood. Dad always carries a hoe in his pick-up, his weapon of mass destruction in his ongoing war against Canadian thistles. To be "plum tuckered out" at the end of the day is a good thing for them. I admire them because at their age they prefer to be dirty rather than dusty.
Proverbs says that all hard work brings a profit. My parents prove the truth of those words, who have made a good "living" by not working to eventually enjoy life, but who have enjoyed their life because of their work. The profit wasn't always the kind you could put in the bank, but it paid great dividends to their souls.
Just a few thoughts about work...with a few more to come.

Leaving LaLa Land

One of my weaknesses is that I have a tendency to go to "LaLa Land". This is a place in my head where reality never enters. I can go there any time I want whenever life is hard or the future is bleak. It is not really a pleasant place, it is just a place of nothingness; a vacuum of sorts where I can continue to get by without facing my fears or really think about the outcome of my actions.

I am not sure exactly when LaLa Land appeared, but I have a suspicion that it was there pretty early in my life. Growing up on a farm meant that I often had long, boring, redundant chores to do and they were more easily endured when I could just go to that blank space in my head and fill it with anything I wanted. My hands might be shoveling manure but my brain was miles away, conjuring up some story or remembering something in the past or daydreaming about tomorrow. In those instances, LaLa land provided a little relief from the very unpleasant reality of the job I was doing. Probably everyone has a place like that somewhere in their head, it is not neccessarily a bad thing, it helps us endure sometimes.

But, I think that in some cases, LaLa Land becomes sovereign and begins to rule the other parts of the brain. And that has been my problem at different points of my life. When I have really needed to have the guts to face the truth about myself, LaLa land invades and pulls me back to the false security of unreality. Somehow, not thinking about how things really are or what the real outcome of my actions could be makes truth diminish and the pleasant, sweet lie takes over that always whispers everything will just somehow "turn out ok."

Well, it doesn't. LaLa Land is a place of slavery and pain. And even though I might have gone there alone, it always ends up dragging others into its misery. Those I love have often had to pay for my little excursions into that black hole.

LaLa Land is really a landfill. It might look like a pleasant little hill covered with green grass rising up out of the prairie, promising a wonderful view and an escape from world below, but it is really just a big pile of, well....Garbage.

Life is hard right now. Reality is painful. I am in the land of tough choices and harsh consequences. But it is the land of truth. It is the land of the living. It is the only place that growth can occur and authentic change take place. I feel like I am in the wilderness putting my survival skills to the test, but it is where I am supposed to be right now. The frustration and anxiety I feel have redemptive qualities, they drive me to my knees and keep my feet from wandering back towards LaLa land. I am ashamed of how much time I have spent there in the past, how much of real life I wasted and how many opportunities I squandered.

But, here and now is here and now, and I intend to live fully in it and be transformed by the One who is ever-present and ever near.

Happy Birthday, Micah

Today is our daughter Micah's birthday. She is 19 and a Freshman in college. We celebrated her birthday last weekend when she came home. So....in the the newly started tradition of revealing stories on the occasion of the birthday, here are just a few "Micah" legends.

The first time I saw her was when she was born. I was there. And since this was our second child I was more prepared this time and was actually semi-conscious. Dr. Lockwood delivered her and promptly said, "Uh-oh, this child has no penis." After a slight pause...."Hey, she's a girl!" Joker, that guy. Anyway, I will never forget seeing this little bit of red, curly soft hair on the top of her head and bright blue eyes gazing up at me for the first time.
That little tuft of hair grew into red ringlets that had the magical ability of catching sun rays and then illuminating those eyes until they looked as blue as the sky after a snow storm has passed. Add a sprinkling of freckles across the nose, put on a old cap and a softball glove on one hand and you have Micah. Even as a little girl she could hit anything she aimed for, including her brothers, and always looked more natural with a ball in her hand than a doll. I don't know, maybe she heard what the Doctor said when she was born and became determined to run as fast, throw as hard, and hit as far as any one else, with or without that extra appendage thing. We were so proud when she received a special award her Senior year at her final Athletic banquet, recognizing her as the only person to have played three sports during her high school years and lettering nine times in them. She is now playing softball in college and getting ready to leave next week to play in Florida over spring break.
A few Micah stories: She put everything in her mouth. Everything! When she was around 2 or so I was working in the garage and she was "helping" me. I noticed that she was in the corner chewing on something, so with great trepidation I asked her to spit out what was in her mouth, and slowly, as only a 2 year old could do, she pushed out a leg....of a spider, then another leg, and so on....Many people have been bitten by spiders, but how many spiders can say they were bitten by a little girl? Spiders have always creeped me out, and I still remember seeing what was left of its smashed body on the tip of her tongue and the feeling of my lunch rising in my throat. But, perhaps in a Marvel Comics kind of way, this explains her excellent ability to catch fly balls.

Another story that will reveal what horrible parents we are: After church, in a hurry, Brandon-five, Micah-three, both strapped in their car seats. We pull up in the drive way, Colleen and I both jump out to get something from the house that we needed before going to a friend's house, leaving the car running. A few minutes later, Brandon is at the door, crying, the car is gone!Micah is nowhere in sight! I go running out of the house, looking up and down the street, and finally see the car across the street, through the neighbor's yard, with the rear end down in a little creek. Still no Micah! My heart is about to explode! I finally get to the car and throw the door open and there she is, standing on the front seat, both hands on the wheel, turning it wildly with the biggest grin on her face. I think it was a premonition. Anyway, Brandon, the squirmy one, had slipped out of his seat first and the rest we will never know for sure.
Finally, one more. Micah is in fourth grade and playing on her first little softball team. There is a circle around the pitchers mound where the pitcher stands while the coach actually tosses the ball to the batter. Micah is the "pitcher." She figures out the game very quickly and learns that she is fast enough to field the ball and tag the runner going to first and then chase down the other little girls who innocently think they are to run to the next base when the ball is hit. There are girls at first and second and the ball is hit. Micah fields the ball and tags the girl running to first, chases the girl running to second tagging her out, then sees the other girl rounding third for home. Micah beats her to home, and while tagging her the little girl falls backward right on her rear end and breaks out into tears! Three outs by one girl in one inning: incredible! One minor collision at home plate: breath-taking! One irate Mother in the bleachers yelling, "Get that mean little girl out of here!" hysterical! One unabashedly proud Father: priceless!

Anyway, there are more for another birthday. Micah, you have grown into a beautiful young woman. You have always been a blessing and a joy in our lives and I am so thankful you still call me daddy. And it doesn't even matter that you know that I know that you know you can get anything you want from me when you do. Ahh, the privilege of being our only daughter. That's what you get for being born without a penis.

Happy Birthday, Micky...I love you. Now, choke up and keep your eye on the ball.

Happy Birthday Shane!

Today is the birthday of my youngest son, Shane. He is now officially a teenager, all 88.6 lbs. of him. I know his exact weight because he wrestles for the Junior High, and is really pretty good. My dream is that one day he will make the WWF and his name will be something like Shotgun Shane or even Nakie Boy (see Brandon's Blog). And if by chance you do go to his brother's blog, there are a few corrections that need to be made. First, we "planned" on Shane being born at our home, we didn't just decide that night because it was icy and second, we usually didn't let Shane go a whole week between Showers. The part about his hair really stinking was true though.

I am surprised that Shane has survived. He was dropped many times. One day when he was only 6 months old his sister, Micah and brother, Brandon were fighting over who would carry him downstairs and somehow in the scuffle they both just let go....and Shane went rolling down an oak staircase. I remember him crying a little....not much really, considering his flight. His brother and sister ended up crying a lot more than he did.

Being the youngest, he has been shoved, pulled, stretched, experimented on and tickled more than any person should ever have to endure. Maybe that is why he is such a good wrestler. What is a head lock compared to being on the bottom of the dogpile with three siblings on top of you?

He really is a wonderful kid that brings us laughter and works hard at everything he does. It is hard for me that he is now a teenager, because it means he really isn't a little boy anymore. But I know that is the way it is supposed to be and I will enjoy this time as well. I am truly blessed to have him as my Son....and to think we didn't even have to bring him home from the hospital! He laid in our arms in our own bed that first night.....and pretty much has always always done that since, always plopping down between us for a few minutes before he goes to his own bed. And those few minutes are golden. Happy Birthday, Shane! We love you.

And now I will rub your stinky feet since you have stuck them both up in my face. Remember to take a shower, even if it is your birthday.

Desert blindness

I have been reading in the book of Numbers lately, since it comes directly after Leviticus and Exodus. I have to admit that I get a little bored with the details, especially in Leviticus, but at just the point where I am ready to fall asleep the author throws in a short narrative that rousts me out of my stupor. And usually, the narrative recounts how the children of Israel keep screwing up, with dire consequences. So you suddenly get fire from heaven consuming prideful (or stupid) priests, snake bites, a tsunami of quail (wouldn't Cheney have fun with that!), the earth swallowing up people, plagues and other stuff that would make an exciting television drama....Think "40 years" in "24" format.

I struggle with the stories sometimes. I believe that Moses, who probably recorded all these events, was preparing the Israelites to enter the promised land by reminding them of their history. Honestly, it is hard to comprehend how they can appear to be so faithless throughout the story. They are always whining, pining away for Egypt, rebelling against Moses and Aaron or generally just acting like God was either absent or deaf, blind and senile. All they ever had to do was look up and there he was-either in the cloud or fire. So Moses doesn't clean up the story, he tells it like it was, and warns them what will happen if they do it again. He reminds them that Adam and Eve lost their home because of disobedience, that God wiped the earth clean in Noah's day and that the land they are about to conquer is given to them as a gift but is also a judgment on the current inhabitants.

It was a very unique time. God's presence was undeniably among them. He led them. He fed them. He brought them to water. He conquered their enemies. He worked behind the scenes to protect them when their enemies tried to curse them. Every thing God said he would do he did in their lifetime. At any time they could see his presence in the cloud by day and fire by night. When it was time to move, it was absolutely clear-the presence of God lifted and led the way. How much faith did it take in those days? The problem wasn't whether they believed God existed or not, it was whether or not they could trust him who was always visibly and deliberately among them. Their questions were never how can we be sure there is a God, but rather Can we really trust you to take care of us? And they questioned God under the shade of a cloud that shielded them from the sun and a fire by night to light their way. And each day they were fed from heaven and when they were thirsty God watered them.

I struggle with how they could so easily ignore what seemed so obvious. But honestly, I do the same things. The Exodus teaches me that even if God was visibly present in an undeniable way outside my window every day and night, I would still, when times got tough, doubt whether he was really for me or not. I would question his motives. I would ponder his ability to deliver on his promises. I would eventually not even notice his presence. The miraculous would become mundane.

I do that now. Times are tough. The landscape looks a lot like the Mojave. And I find myself ignoring the obvious examples of God's love and provision and whining about what I do not have....And then, of all things, be tempted to blame Him for it! How pitiful is that?

The miracle is God's patience. The cloud that relieves me from the heat is his rich, abundant mercy. The fire that defeats my darkness is unfailing love. The manna that sustains me is his faithfulness even when I am unfaithful. The refreshing water that relieves my parched tongue is his Spirit. The angel that leads the way is His Word, which disciplines and comforts me.

Lord, please protect me from the desert blindness that blinds me to the obvious.

Happy Birthday, Carden

Today my son Carden turns 17. The only thing he really wants for his birthday is catfish for supper and the abandoning of the completely lame "curfew" philosophy. I know for sure we will be having catfish tonight.....

Why do I feel older every time one of my kids have a birthday?

There is so much I want to say to each of them, so many stories and warnings and adventures and.....

They really aren't that interested right now, and I understand. I wasn't either at their age. After all, every day is an adventure for them. They disguise it as hopeless boredom, but their hearts are really racing and their minds are at warp speed.

I worry that I have really done them more harm than good. But generally, they still like me and I know I love them like crazy. I want to equip them for everything life will throw at them and then tag along everywhere they go just to make sure they will be ok.

They would prefer me not to do that.

Each child has a special memory corner in my heart. And since today is Carden's day, well, here are some I hope I can share without him suing me later for damages.

He was a beautiful child...for Halloween one year we dressed him up as a little girl....and everyone thought "she" was very pretty.

One day when he was in first grade the bus driver brought him back to our door. When she arrived at the bus stop on the corner she found him hanging upside down from a tree he had climbed. He had slipped and his ankle wedged in a crook of the trunk. He was fine, she just thought we should know....

When he was three he snuck out of the house and tried to follow his older brother and sister to the store, across a busy highway. Someone stopped traffic and brought him home.

He took a ride once in a highway patrol car. His older brother convinced him they should ride their bikes out to where I was working...and since the interstate was the quickest way....

His first athletic physical....The nurse handed him the "cup" and an alcohol towellette, telling him to clean the "area" and use the cup. Afterward he asked me why he had to clean the bathroom if he didn't miss the cup, so he just wiped down the toilet and floor a little bit......

Baptizing him into Jesus.

His rendition of "Lord of the Dance" at the King of Hearts banquet....

This sweet kid is now the biggest primate in our house. He is at least 6'2" tall and I have skied on smaller skis than the size of his shoes. On a good day, with help, I couldn't get a dress on him again.

He is a great son, and I love him dearly and am very proud to be his Dad. Happy Birthday, Carden.

One day I hope to grow up and be like my kids.

Days

Some days come to us like strangers
for no apparent reason,
bringing in with them the
cold and rain
they become for us a season.

Other days we greet like friends
precious guests we've longed to see,
but as the day
turns into hours
they are not as we hoped would be.

Yet some days are so kind to us
they bring all we are longing for,
and when they say goodbye
too soon
we can only pray for more.

So I greet each day as a messenger
of ancient trouble and mercy new,
and in the wisdom of our God
I must live
between the two.

The Biggest Losers

There are a couple of television programs that I hate to confess I have actually been watching. They are The Biggest Loser and Runway. The former is about weight challenged people in a contest. The Latter is also about weight challenged people in a contest. One is about food, the other about fashion. I think it would be interesting to combine the two: The Biggest Loser on the Runway. But that probably won't happen. In both programs someone gets the boot and others get to stay. That seems to be what is popular right now, watching people be dismissed for their failures or because other contestants view them as a threat. So maybe art does imitate life, or is it the other way around?

Anyway, I was thinking especially about The Biggest Loser, how the winners are those who struggle to lose in order to gain. Ultimately, the biggest losers win by becoming less than what they were, at least physically, which means that they gain by acheiving a better self image inwardly. That's the hope anyway. By shrinking the outer self the inner self grows in value, confidence, happiness, relationships, health and self-control. And it is a struggle, a battle, that some courageously enter into. I admire them. It is hard to get in shape and stay that way, especially since the invention of nachos.

Losing to gain is a paradox. As a Christian all kinds of scriptures come to mind that fit that paradox, but I was reading 2 Corinthians this morning where Paul talks about what a pain it is living in this world and how much trouble that can be, trouble that is accentuated by being a Christian. Being holy as God is holy in an unclean world brings its own particular losses.

Yet, he tells us that by losing, we are gaining. Our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal weight of glory. The word for glory in Hebrew and greek carries the idea of "weight." Our troubles, in the right perspective, don't carry much weight, and will eventually just float away and leave us. But the glory of God will settle on us and be eternal. We lose, we gain.

In this world, it is true, Christians really are just a bunch of losers. And when our time comes to be voted off, then we can dance for joy, over-weight with glory!

I Heard That Jesus Might Come Back Tomorrow...

I spend a lot of time worrying about things that wouldn't matter at all if I knew Jesus was arriving here tomorrow morning. But since I can't be sure of that, there is still business to take care of in order to get by in this world. But if I knew for sure that he was coming in the morning or even at the end of the week, or next month, or before the year was out, how everything on my "to do" list would change!
I wonder if that is how the first generation of Christians felt? I am trying to read through the New Testament letters in the chronological order they were written. I am also attempting to read each one as a letter, in one sitting, and get the feel of what it was like to receive these letters as crucial information about how to live as a follower of the Messiah Jesus. In other words, I am trying not to read them as the New Testament as we understand it after two thousand years, but as real words from the Spirit inspired witnesses of Jesus, addressed to me in my current situation. So far, here is what has impressed me.

First, I think all of them, from the apostles to newest convert, lived in serious expectation and anticipation of the imminent return of Jesus. And why not? The last time anyone saw Jesus he was alive. And he said he would be back. Why think that wouldn't be soon? Noone expects a sequel to be ten, fifteen or fifty years later! And why wouldn't he come back soon? Why wait? Especially if he loved them as he claimed to love them, why tarry and not have a great reunion?

Second, they truly struggled living in the world knowing it really wasn't their home anymore. Some, as in the Thessalonian letter, quit working and basically spent their time idly waiting for Jesus. Many of their questions dealt with what to do in the present age that was passing away. If everything is temporary, how much time, money and effort should be invested in it? In Paul's letter to the Corinthians there is some shocking advice....Stay in the condition your were called, if married stay married but live as if you're not; if single stay that way if you can; live in the world as if you don't belong to it.

Third, their worship and lifestyle was to reflect the nearness of Jesus, both in his actual return and in his spiritual presence. When they gathered, he was there, just unseen. When they prayed, he heard because he was close to them. When they ate together he ate with them. When they sinned they were to confess, repent and move on knowing they were forgiven and there was not time to wallow in it. If someone else was caught in sin there was an urgency to restoring them, because Jesus was present and was returning soon. If they were joyful it was because of hope. If they were generous it was because it was the best way to use their fading earthly wealth.

I know that the letters that came later began to reflect more of a "settled" Christianity, a faith that perhaps needed to be ready for the long haul, but I have appreciated being caught up in thinking that Jesus is coming soon. One thing for sure, his return is closer now than it was then. So, can I appropriate that urgency in my life? Can I live preparing for "return" more than "retirement"? Can I work, not only to provide a living, but to also provide a "life" for others. Can I live in this world without holding on to any of it?

Better Late Than Never

Late it was that I loved you, beauty so ancient and so new,

late I loved you! And, look, you were within me and I was outside,

and there I sought for you and in my ugliness I plunged into

the beauties that you have made. You were with me and I

was not with you. Those outer beauties kept me far from you, yet

if they had not been in you, they would not have existed at all.

You called, you cried out, you shattered my deafness: you flashed,

you shone, you scattered my blindness: you breathed perfume, and

I drew in my breath and I pant for you: I tasted, and I am

hungry and thirsty: you touched me and I burned for your peace.

-Augustine, Confessions

Augustine's journey to Jesus was neither quick nor painless. He arrived on the prayers of a saintly mother who never gave up pleading for the salvation of her son. Augustine laments that it was "late" in his life that he believed the gospel, although he was still fairly young. But now that he had tasted the goodness of the Lord, he realized how much he had missed. But, better late than never.

I was raised to believe in Jesus, no questions asked. Early I came to him, and there were times of great passion for him, but I feel that it is only of late that I am truly learning to love him. But, better late than never.

I never realized who I really was until a Pastor friend of mine told me who (or what) I was in our conversation this past week. I respect his counsel, his wisdom and love for Jesus and for me, but I wasn't quite ready for his description of me. He called me a whore. And, he was dead on. I am. Or was. He tempered it a little by saying that he was a murderer, that in Jesus eyes we are all either whores or murderers, because we have all either lusted or hated. But for me, as I looked honestly in my heart, I knew he was right. I have been a whore.

Seeing myself that way has completely changed me. Accepting grace as a whore is so much different from accepting it as a preacher. I had always proclaimed the mercy of God and his great love for sinners, but everyone else always needed more than me. It was a joy to dispense his grace and forgiveness in mega-doses to others, saving their lives from the power of sin. Oh, I needed a dose once in a while too, but for me it was more like a vitamin. It was just wise to remind myself every so often that I too needed a little grace to be healthy and humble.

That is why I have not been able to get over the guilt of my sin and feel forgiven. I kept thinking that I could clean myself up, try really, really hard, and be a perfect slave for God. I would confess over and over...say how sorry I was over and over. Maybe you know the recipe for self-atonement: Confess repeatedly, add in heaping amounts of self-loathing, beat in self pity sprinkled with tears, bake at high heat in the oven of doubt, remove when burnt to a crisp, throw out and start over. Nothing really changes though; a whore is a whore is a whore. I had to quit trying to convince God how bad I was, he already knew. He knew before I did, and was waiting for me to believe that He really was the God of whores and murderers.

Being a whore in recovery has changed everything for me. It is as if his cure for my sin was injected straight into my heart! I pray with urgency and faith. I worship with purpose, not to experience God, but to praise the one who welcomed me, a whore, to his banquet. I see him laughing and saying eat! Eat! Yes, this is for you! I welcome his hand upon me, his discipline and his words, which will keep me off the street corners of my past. And I confess, over and over: thank you, thank you.

Late it seems, that I am loving him. But, thank God, better late than never.

Gray Skies and Rainbows

It is finally, officially the new year, with the last bowl game ending last night. Now is the season for stupid fill-in sitcoms. Maybe since the wicked witch has cast her spell and we are trapped in perpetual gray it would be soothing to find a warm light and some good books.

The new year is a time of looking back and looking ahead, and depending on how the looking back goes, we are either glad to be moving on or sad to see it go. Sometimes it is a mixture of both. I am old enough now to know that a change of calendar doesn't mean a change of heart, a boost of strength, a brilliant insight nor a sudden transformation of character. But it can mean a deeper gratitude for grace given, a new beginning gift-wrapped in hope, and a heart pointed in the right direction, determined to love and not harm God's children in any way.

Redemption is beyond me, as much as I wish I could bring it about and make everything ok, but even that is tainted by my own selfish, sinful nature. I find that whatever good I want to do, evil is always tagging along behind, accusing me and reminding me that even in my prayers I can't escape looking out for my own interests; that I will feel better myself if I know somehow that everyone else is happy. I do live in a body of death. It can never be fixed, only rescued. So I look to him who even from the cross was able be self-less. And I stand amazed in the presence.

My resolution for today of this fresh year is to not turn and question and reject that presence, and to not pull his fingers off of me. I finally understand that I cannot rely on my grasp of him, for He is beyond my reach, but I can completely trust in His hand to not let go.

So I begin this year with so many uncertainties about the future. But on the other hand, the one that matters most, I begin the year with the certainty of God. Grayness never wins.